What A Lamb Shank Taught Me

Ronan Keating crooned that "you say it best, when you say nothing at all."

Saying nothing maybe best but, sometimes, it is even better to let go. I have realized long ago that, if someone wants to believe the worst of you, nothing you say or do can stop it.

Everybody makes mistakes. Often, you make your decisions without a full understanding of the situation. Your emotions go haywire and you act rashly only to end up with regrets. Frequently, it’s a matter of pride and we all know how the mighty can fall. Been there, done that, not pretty. Ouch.

So you try to make amends hoping that you will finally find the closure you desperately seek in order to have the peace you desperately crave for. Yet, as with all things in life and business, some things started with the very best of intentions just don’t end up the way you intended for it to end.

And then you realize that closure is gained only when you discover the answers to your questions. Usually, unspoken questions that require equally unspoken answers. Unfortunately, in moments like this, your Magic 8 Ball is always at the Fixit Shop. Not to mention, your favorite psychic is having an abortion somewhere.

You are then left with the shocking realization that there is no answer to your question. There never will be. There is a reason why these questions are best left un-asked. For to ask forces one to swallow one’s pride and to answer requires digging deep within one’s self. To stare at one’s self in all of one’s naked glory is not a pleasant experience even if you have a 26-inch waistline and zero cellulites.

It is time to let go and so you do.

I think letting go is only for the brave. It requires valor to just walk away from it all. To let the chips fall where they were really meant to fall.

Not to hide or to run because doing either one is not letting go. It’s just staying in the same place while burying your head in the ground like an ostrich. It may work during a sandstorm but, when the storm is over, you’re still in the desert. Worst, you’ve got sand inside your nose.

Running and hiding, however, gives you time to catch your breath and gather your wits. Ultimately, though, you must leave your cave. When you finally do, you will now have sufficient strength to deal with the ghost chasing you.

If it is meant to be, it will be. If not, hey. What can you do? You tried yet you failed. Such is life. You can’t win all the time. At some point, you have to lose in order to appreciate what you have.

There is a lot I should be grateful for.

While I do have many regrets, what-ifs and what-might-have-beens, I would not trade the life I have now for the one I had as a foolish college student who thought she knew and understood. I do not want the person I used to be - so misguided, confused and lost. I love the person I have become, warts and all.

The mistakes I make now are not any less painful or stupid as the ones I’ve made in my errant youth. The difference lies in my ability to survive it. How fast I can recover from a fall and how long I bawl my eyes out from the pain.

There are days I do wonder. What if I had chosen that path instead of this? Only to return to the same conclusion that, had I made a choice other than the one I resolutely made many years ago in that hospital room, I would’ve grown to hate myself instead of being in this place now where I love and am proud of the woman I have become.

I may have gotten then what I have always wanted and still want to this day but at what price? I don’t think I could’ve lived with myself had I chosen to listen to my heart.

They say we should always follow our hearts. Not always. It is, after all, why we have a brain.

Choosing to use our brains and not follow our hearts is painful. But I prefer to think of it like drinking cough medicine. It’s vile but necessary. I have learned that there are times it is better to do the right thing and keep your dignity than make the wrong choice and be happy but at the expense of your dignity. Because, really, how long is that happiness going to last when you cannot bear to look at yourself in the mirror?

I found the courage to stop running. I looked at my past squarely in the eye with, surprisingly, peace and happiness. My mistake was in thinking I could have it all back except better.

And, for that mistake, I am now in pain. But not the same excruciating agony I was once in when I came to that mistaken conclusion the first time around.

I finally have the closure I’ve been chasing after all these years. The answer to my question? There will never be one. There is no fairy tale. Love does not always conquer all.

It is time to let go. I am finally at peace. May my ghost rest in peace as well.